I never saw him again.
It was in that moment I realized that not only did I bring myself into a relationship, but I brought MS, as well. It's difficult to want to desperately hide potentially damning information about myself, but the truth of the matter is that, although MS does not have me, I have MS. I have the ups and downs caused by MS. I have limitations triggered from MS. I still have questions, and I can only assume that who I am with will have questions, as well.
I've always told myself that knowledge is power. In relationships, primarily, I've discovered that knowledge is powerful beyond measure. Finding an individual who can not only understand but accept the fact that I have a potentially debilitating disease that affects numerous facets of my life will bring more strength than even I can understand.
Through strength, however, comes humility. I have to be willing to let this individual in so he can begin the process of understanding and accepting. In the process, however, I do not feel that I should be reminded daily of the limitations or barriers I face.
With this said, where is line drawn in the sand?
Below, you'll find valuable information on MS and relationships. Though some of the information may be hard to swallow, the truth of the matter is that some or all of these issues may or may not exist. Each individual is different therefore each case of MS is different, as well:
What does “intimacy” mean? For many people, the term is simply another word for sex—in other words, being intimate with another person means having a sexual relationship. A satisfying, intimate relationship, however, rests on a much broader foundation—of trust, open and honest communication, shared goals and expectations, and mutual respect and concern. So intimacy refers to all of the ways, both verbal and non-verbal, in which partners connect with one another and enjoy their unique closeness.
A chronic, unpredictable disease like MS can challenge a couple’s intimacy in a variety of ways:
Barriers to Communication
MS affects everyone in the family—and both members of a couple are likely to have strong feelings about the unpredictable changes it brings to their lives. Finding comfortable ways to talk about the disease and its impact can be very difficult, at times leading to miscommunication or even silence. Learning how to share feelings and concerns is essential to maintaining intimacy.
Shifts in the Partnership
When the symptoms of MS temporarily or permanently interfere with a person’s ability to carry out his or her daily activities at home and at work, the roles and responsibilities within the family are likely to shift. If, and when, the relationship begins to feel too unbalanced—or one member of the couple begins to feel more like a caregiver than a partner—closeness and intimacy can be threatened. Identifying ways to maintain balance in the partnership is critical to maintaining an intimate partnership.
Added Stresses and Strains
MS can add to the normal challenges of everyday life by straining essential family resources, including money, time and emotional energy. When daily activities feel increasingly stressful, time-consuming or overwhelming, people may have little energy left for maintaining their emotional and physical partnership.Learning to manage everyday stresses and strains effectively can allow more time and energy for staying connected emotionally and physically.
Aside from the stress that arises in daily life for everyone, MS creates its own emotionally taxing predicaments, not the least of which is dealing with the unpredictable course of this disease.
The first thing to know is that stress can make any of us feel worse, whether by upsetting our stomachs or knotting our neck muscles. Many people with MS say they experience more symptoms during stressful times. When the stress abates, their symptoms seem less troubling or less severe. Therefore, learning to relax is essential.
But, relaxation isn't something you just decide to do. People have to learn to relax. You will need to discover what works for you, and you'll need to practice.
The Mind
Everyone experiences stress. But what is it, and what role does it really play in MS?
Bouts of severe depression, mood swings, and irritability, pose significant challenges for people with MS and their family members and can add to stress.
Simplifying daily life. Instructions on muscle relaxation, deep breathing, visualization, and more
A women's experience on anger—how to dissipate some of it and to channel the rest into a positive force.
The Body
Deep breathing and slow, gentle movements are the primary elements of this “moving meditation”—and it can be done sitting down
Whether swimming or sailing, working out in a gym, or competing at a round of golf, the revitalizing enjoyment of healthy exercise comes in many form.
Used to relax muscles, reduce stress, and relieve conditions exacerbated by muscle tension
With its emphasis on relaxation, breathing and deliberate movements, yoga is a good choice of exercise for people with MS.
Changes in Sexual Feelings and Responses
Sexuality is an important aspect of intimacy for most couples. And while MS can affect sexual feelings and responses in direct and indirect ways, sexual intimacy does not have to disappear from a couple’s life when one partner has MS.
Fortunately, a disease like MS can also bring people closer together. Many couples report that facing the challenges of MS has allowed them to connect with one another in new and powerful ways—finding an intimacy that was stronger than any they shared before.
Sexual problems are often experienced by people with MS, but they are very common in the general population as well. Sexual arousal begins in the central nervous system, as the brain sends messages to the sexual organs along nerves running through the spinal cord. If MS damages these nerve pathways, sexual response—including arousal and orgasm—can be directly affected. Sexual problems also stem from MS symptoms such as fatigue or spasticity, as well as from psychological factors relating to self-esteem and mood changes.
In a recent study, 63% of people with MS reported that their sexual activity had declined since their diagnosis. Other surveys of persons with MS suggest that as many as 91% of men and 72% of women may be affected by sexual problems. Ignoring these problems can lead to major losses in quality of life. Yet both individuals and health-care professionals are often slow to bring up the subject.
In women, symptoms include:
Reduced sensation in the vaginal/clitoral area, or painfully heightened sensation
Vaginal dryness
Trouble achieving orgasm
Loss of libido
In men, symptoms include:
Difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection (by far the most common problem)
Reduced sensation in the penis
Difficulty achieving orgasm and/or ejaculation
Loss of libido
Other MS symptoms cause problems in both sexes:
Fatigue and weakness can interfere with sexual interest and/or activity.
Spasticity can cause cramping or uncontrollable spasms in the legs, causing them to pull together or making them difficult to separate—either of which can make positioning difficult or uncomfortable.
Pain can interfere with pleasure.
Therapies Are Available to Treat Sexual Problems of MS
There are a variety of therapies to treat sexual dysfunction. For men, erectile dysfunction may be addressed through use of the oral medications Viagra® (sildenafil), Levitra® (vardenafil), and Cialis® (tadalafil); injectable medications such as papaverine and phentolamine that increase blood flow in the penis; the MUSE® system which involves inserting a small suppository into the penis; inflatable devices; and implants.
For women, vaginal dryness can be relieved by using liquid or jellied, water-soluble personal lubricants, which can be purchased over-the-counter. It is a common mistake to use too little of these products. Specialists advise using them generously. Petroleum jelly (Vaseline®) should not be used because it is not water-soluble and may cause infection.
Both men and women with MS and their partners can benefit from instruction in alternative means of sexual stimulation, such as the use of a vibrator, to overcome slow arousal and impaired sensation. Abnormal sensations and spasms can often be controlled through use of medication. Techniques such as intermittent catheterization or medication can control urinary leakage during intercourse.
Fertility, Conception, and Sexually Transmitted Diseases
MS does not affect the basic fertility of either men or women, although sexual problems may interfere with the ability of a man with MS to father a baby. "Dry orgasms," that impair fertility, have been reported by men with MS in several studies. These problems have been successfully treated with medication or through techniques to harvest sperm for insemination. Men who are concerned about fertility issues should consult a urologist experienced in this area.
Women and men with MS are also advised that they must make the same decisions and take the same precautions regarding birth control and sexually transmitted diseases as anyone else.
Emotional Issues
The emotional factors relating to changes in sexual function are quite complex. They may involve loss of self-esteem, depression, anxiety, anger, and/or the stress of living with a chronic illness. Counseling by a mental health professional or trained sexual therapist can address both physiologic and psychological issues. This therapy should involve both partners.
Reference:
The National MS Society. (n.d.). Intimacy. Retrieved September 17, 2010, from http://www.nationalmssociety.org/living-with-multiple-sclerosis/relationships/intimacy/index.aspx
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