Seven Years

It's difficult to remember my life before Multiple Sclerosis. Although I always was able to pride myself on being a nice person, there were numerous aspects of who I was that was, well, selfish. Many contribute it to being 20. I was still learning about the world and myself.

I guess that sounds good enough.

I had grown up with an ill mother who, for one reason or another, could never quite take care of herself to prevent the inevitable. She always seemed to lean on others which is part of the reason why I believed I was as caring as I was. It is all I ever knew to be. Quite frankly, it was my mother who truly made me into the persona I am today. I would never know how to care had it not been for her. However, once I was in college, once I was on my own, the only person I truly seemed to care about was myself. Sad, I know, but I felt that it was my time to live my life.

My selfishness soon crumbled beneath me.

December 17, 2005 is a day that will forever remain with me, and to a certain degree, haunt me. This was the day I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I knew nothing about the disease. I had no idea what it meant to have MS. I strongly believed that my life was over. I remember trying to fall asleep that night in my hospital bed with tears streaming down my face. I remember thinking that I lived 20 years, and although short, it was a nice life. I had memories. I had friends. I'm sure someone or something would remember the vibrant girl I was in high school.

That soon passed. I felt like an empty shell of who I once was. This disease had stolen who I was trying to become. This disease robbed me of a life I dreamt of having. This disease would take me prisoner, and I was okay with that. I didn't want to give any more of myself. For all intents and purposes, I was content with letting it run its course and do what it wanted with my body.

Eventually, those thoughts left my mind, and I was determined to prove the disease and my doctors wrong. For all who knew me, this was something I would always do. I fed off of proving something/someone wrong.

Years of being a guinea pig to medications I knew nothing about, to side effects that made me feel like I was dying, to anxiety, to fear, to many constantly telling me that it was okay to just "give up" soon took it's toll.

However, thinking about that now still makes me giggle a little.

I had developed a mindset that consisted of yelling at myself if I couldn't do something then trying until I could eventually do it. Walking, running, talking, forming coherent sentences, giving myself a shot, typing, buttoning shirts, zipping pants, opening a car door, unscrewing bottle caps, taking a shower...everything - even if it took me hours, even if it hurt, even if the frustration was so immense that I sobbed like a child while doing it, I still did it.

Though seven years have passed, I still remember December 17, 2005 like it was yesterday. Out of the shock of it all, I was happy that I knew - finally - what was wrong with me. I finally became an advocate for my health. I stopped taking the medication that caused liver damage and have been MS therapy free for a year. I still have my bad days. I still fall asleep at night hoping that I'll wake in the morning still able to walk, I still fear what may happen to me as I get older, but now, it's all different.

Now, instead of giving up, instead of allowing something to take over me, instead of constantly questioning why, I use my experiences, my hopes, and my drive to move forward to help others. Now, I find myself better capable of empathizing with others and being the support they desperately need. Now, I love my life. Now, I love my family more than I can imagine because without them, I'd still be that empty shell of a person I once was. Now, I thrive on doing something new. Now, my drive to prove so many wrong is stronger than it ever was before.

I was told I wouldn't walk normally again? No, I walk perfectly.

I was told I wouldn't be able to finish school? No, I earned my bachelor's in May and am going back for my master's in September.

I was told that I would be forever required to be on medication to sustain myself? No, I've been away from MS therapy for a year and feel better now than I did just a year ago.

I was told that I wouldn't be able to have a lasting relationship? No, I'm with a man who celebrates my triumphs and picks me up when I fall.

I was told that my life was over? That's just funny.

It's amazing how something so devastating can be such a positive turn in an individual's life. Being diagnosed with MS was a road block that I have and am enduring. However, being diagnosed with MS was a blessing in disguise to me. It helped mold me into who I am today, and who I am today is just a stepping stone into the phenomenal woman I am becoming.