Is it You?

You do not know me, but I feel a strong connection with you after reading your posts of encouragement, bravery and self-discovery. I was diagnosed with MS ten years ago and feel ashamed for my actions, thoughts, behavior, and attitude since learning of the diagnosis. You being a young woman of 27 who was diagnosed in the prime of her life at 20 only to come out a stronger person having been diagnosed still floors me. I wish I could say that I am like you and am a stronger person after going through what I have. I'm not. In your post, "Seven Years," you mentioned that you were selfish before the diagnosis, that you believed your life to be over, that you were okay with the disease running its course and taking over your body. You've mentioned in previous posts that you were and still are scared. You've mentioned that you felt alone and still have days where you have feelings of loneliness. How have you been able to get through something so horrible only to become a better person for having gone through it? How can you be so positive when you have a disease that will shorten your life, that limits your overall joy in life, that prevents you from doing what you love, that shadows you with fear daily?

I am at a point in my life (43) where I feel that no one understands, no one cares, and that I will get worse. I pray for the day that I can have the same outlook that you have and begin to accept what I cannot change and help others like you are. Until that day comes, I feel as though I'm trapped in a world of pain, fear, and the dependency of medication.

I read your posts as soon as they are published. The information you've shared has really allowed me to question the person I am today so I can become a better person for myself tomorrow. Your words do not go unnoticed and your actions show how beautiful you really are. We are in this fight together. Thank you for fighting for me.

Yours Truly,

Louise - Washington

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When I first developed the idea of writing this blog, I did it purely to relay the information I have gathered and learned about over the last five or six years to those who need it. When I was diagnosed, I felt alone. I had questions, but I could never really get them answered. I'm writing this to answer as many questions as I can about what I know, and along the way, I hope we can all learn more about a disease that can be extremely devastating.

Louise, though we have never met, and though I can only reach you through the words I write, never forget that there is a very unique bond between you and I: through our diagnosis, our struggles, our fears, and our triumphs, we can relate to one another on a level that many cannot comprehend. When one has a life changing event occur in his or her life, the way the event is handled depends on the process of grieving and the individual. It is not uncommon to have negative thoughts, behaviors, actions, or attitudes when enduring what you are. In fact, it is very normal.

The fact of the matter is that I am scared every single day. However, just because I am scared does not mean that I can dwell on something that has not happened yet. Why live a life dwelling on something that has already happened in a negative way? Why live my life dwelling on something I cannot change? It is no ones fault that I am sick; it's not my fault, either. I have accepted what I cannot change because that is the type of person I am. Most importantly, however, I am living my life in a way that allows others to realize that a life is not over when something such as MS comes creeping in. Although I cannot change what has happened, I can determine how I handle the situation(s).

I started playing the violin when I was in first grade. I'm rather good at it, and it is something I thoroughly love to do. However, the dexterity in my hands have lessened since the diagnosis resulting in the inability to do something I love. This does not mean that the music is not still inside me. This does not mean that I don't still understand the connection I feel with the music that I used to play. This does not mean that I have given up classical music forever. This simply means that I have to find other ways to do something I love. I can still hum the chords in my head while I'm writing music. I can still pick up my violin and hear the rich sound radiate from its core. Even though I cannot continue doing what I love doesn't mean that I no longer receive joy from it.

I remain positive for myself and others. If I allow myself to dwell on the negative, what does that say to my family, my friends, to my growing niece and nephew? I do not, under any circumstance, allow myself to give up nor will I allow that of those I love. Regardless of the adversities we face, there is always something that could eventually stand in our way to prevent our dreams. It shows our character to move forward past the road blocks to achieve something far greater than we originally imagined.

As I have said before, I am scared every single day of my life. I'm scared that I'll wake up unable to walk. I'm afraid that I'll close my eyes only to open them without the ability to see. I'm afraid that I won't be able to feel the small kisses of my niece or nephew or feel the arms of my boyfriend wrapped around me. I'm afraid that my years of education and my degree will be of no use to me if my cognitive abilities fail me. However, I do not dwell on something that has not happened. I can't - you can't. The fear we possess can feed and radiate ten fold if we allow it. This fear is what ultimately takes over us, and we are much better than that.

All I can say to you is for you to live your life, love what you do, and do not be afraid of something that has not happened. Make 2013 your year to become the woman you want to be despite having MS. Always remember that YOU have MS - MS does NOT have you. You control your emotions. You control your reactions. You control your behavior. You control what you can and cannot do.

Louise, it took me many years to get to where I am at today. I still have my moments of being paralyzed by fear and worry, but the support I have is something indescribable. I know I can do anything I set my mind to, and so can you. You are stronger than you believe, and when you truly allow that fight to radiate from your being, you'll be able to conquer the biggest obstacles and/or fears.

I am here with you fighting for the same things as you are. How you choose to win your battle is purely up to you, but I have the utmost faith that you can and will come through this a much better, much stronger, and more courageous woman than before.