The most common issues with MS are noted as pain and fatigue. On Sunday around 9:30 in the evening, the pain and fatigue finally reared its ugly head and became unbearable.
Through tears, I cried out, "I'm tired of being strong. I can't be strong anymore. One person can only take so much pain. I hurt all the time, and I hate it. You know, me being strong is just an act. If I cry all the time because I hurt, others will see that I'm weak. I can't do that - I have to be strong. I have to."
The pain I was experiencing was particularly centered around the small of my back. However, throughout the day, the pain went up around my rib cage and down around my hips. The sensation of being crushed really doesn't give justice to the amount of pain I was experiencing. After an hour of an emotional breakdown, I finally calmed down after hearing my boyfriend speak so calmly...
"You don't have to be strong around me. If you want to cry then cry. I'm right here, and I'd take the pain from you if I could."
His words still radiate through me. The calmness went through me like waves. It was incredible.
After some research, I discovered that I was experiencing an MS Hug.
An MS Hug is caused by a lesion on the spinal cord and is technically classified as a neuropathic pain called "parethesia" which refers to any abnormal sensation. The sensation itself is the result of tiny muscles between each rib going into spasm. These muscles have the job of holding our ribs together, as well as keeping them flexible and aiding in movement.
Additionally, an MS Hug can feel different for different people and can feel different for the same person on different times and/or days. The pain can be as low as the waist or as high as the chest; is focused on one small area or go all the way around the torso; is worse than fatigue or stress; is presented in waves lasting seconds, minutes, or hours or can be steady for longer periods of time; is described as a sharp pain, dull pain, burning pain, tickling, tingling, crushing, constricting, and/or pressure.
Fun, right?
Absolutely not.
Though I did some research on what I was experiencing, the real issue here is my unwillingness to show that I was in pain - or in my mind, weak. Just because I try to remain strong to be a strong, driving force to others who are experiencing the same issues does not mean that I cannot, for any reason, have moments where the pain becomes too much. It's completely normal to show pain, it's completely normal to cry. If I didn't show these specific feelings/emotions, quite honestly, I feel I would be void of common human emotion. It does not mean I am weak if I cry nor does it mean that you're weak if you cry. You are, in fact, much stronger if you can show your feelings yet move past the pain, frustration, and fear so you can come out much more emotionally stronger than you were before.
Remember, your strength can show through your tears.
No comments:
Post a Comment