I've been writing in my blog for five years now. Though that may seem like such a long time for some, these last five years have gone by incredibly fast.
At times, too fast.
Throughout this blog, I've shared ups and downs that I've had as someone who endures the daily struggles of MS. I have had good days. I have had bad days. My overall goal of sharing pieces of myself with you was to be as open, honest, and transparent as possible. After all, I knew that I would never be able to accomplish what I had originally set out to do if I hid behind a facade.
No one can.
I have stressed that I am just like you with my daily struggles or adversities that I have faced (and still do). There have been a couple of posts that I have touched on the issues that I have faced with depression and anxiety since being diagnosed with MS in 2005. I have been able to combat both - most of the time - with how I live my life and my overall outlook on what I do, why something is happening, and the fact that I am the only one who can change my present.
However, there are still times that I struggle to maintain a positive outlook, and that fear, that anxiety, that anger starts creeping in.
Here we go:
For the last four months, I have endured a constant headache (yes, the entire four months). Medication does not seem to help. The immense amount of water I drink daily seems to help alleviate some of the discomfort, but the pain is still there. To a certain extent, I feel as though I have taken one giant step backwards, and this makes me angry.
I have had a very difficult time sleeping since Caleb came home (insomnia coupled with muscle spasms). Though I know I am being a typical mom with my worry, I do know that MS is rearing its ugly head in this situation.
I have had a hard time walking after getting up from a sitting position for nearly a year. Yes, I can still walk, however, it takes me about 30 minutes of being back on my feet until the pain subsides. This, in and of itself, makes it near impossible to jog/run (though I still muster through the pain), and THIS makes me angry.
My hips have been hurting (think of feeling like you need to pop something, but you can't quite get it) for the same amount of time I've had trouble walking.
My right thumb and index finger have been numb for just over two months. When I'm doing something that requires the use of my hand (I'm right handed, so this is practically everything), my hand will begin to go numb until I vigorously shake my hand for five or ten minutes (though I hate doing this, Caleb laughs hysterically so I can't complain too much).
Last week, I was putting Caleb to bed, and while I was running my fingertips through his hair and singing to him, I noticed that the top part of my vision on the right side seem to have a shadow in it. No amount of blinking or rubbing my eyes made this go away. However, it has since subsided, but this was something new.
Since Caleb has been home, my weight has slowly increased. It's difficult to look in the mirror now without being disgusted. What in the hell has happened?!
Just over a month ago, I began one of the best career moves in my life. There was a time that my husband and I discussed me being home with Caleb until he went to school full time. However, we decided that Caleb needed to be around other children after he turned two (a micro-preemie has an underdeveloped immune system which can make it dangerous to place him with other children; basically children equal germs and germs near a micro-preemie equal bad so waiting a couple of years was recommended by Caleb's pediatrician). Caleb starts daycare at the end of August, and for the time being, he is being watched in our home by Chris' mom. Though I will be eternally grateful that she is there watching Caleb so I can begin my new career, I have become angry that I am not the one at home with Caleb. In my mind, no one can care for him like I do, and though that may be a rather horrendous thought, I cannot help myself.
**Update**
Caleb was able to start daycare this week due to a cancellation from an enrolled child. He absolutely loves it, and that makes me incredibly happy.
Damn it, Desiree, get it together!
So, where is the good in all of this?
Well, I'm back at work in a career that I love working with individuals with whom I admire and respect. I've learned more over the past month than I think I did in one year of college. Though it has been overwhelming at times, I adore what I am doing, and I cannot wait to expand my knowledge.
My husband and I are in the process of having our dream home built. We are ecstatic that we can design a home that will be with us for decades. This home will be one in which Caleb will be in until he decides to move out. Perhaps, this home will be the one in which we introduce our next child (no, I'm not pregnant - yet)? Our builders have become like family to us and have made the entire process amazing and memorable. We will be building close to Caleb's godfathers which makes us incredibly happy. Additionally, Chris and I have met some of our best friends throughout this entire process.
So, now what?
I have put how I used to work out and take care of myself on the back burner. Yes, I am THAT person who will say that I don't have time. I need to get back to the woman I was when I wrote Mirror. This life that I am living is no longer my own. It is imperative that I get back to the mindset of pushing myself to be healthier and better for my beautiful son and my husband. It's not difficult, but I am making it seem difficult. At one time, I was the type of person who "had developed a mindset that consisted of yelling at myself if I couldn't do something then trying until I could eventually do it...even if it took me hours, even if it hurt, even if the frustration was so immense that I sobbed like a child while doing it, I still did it" (Curry, 2012, para. 10).
Yes, even I (from time-to-time), lose sight of the positive.
With the issues that I have been experiencing, I know that I can alleviate what I am going through with a diet change. Therefore, I have cut red meat out of my diet almost completely. It has been said that the enzymes in red meat cause inflammation around the nerves causing issues with numbness, cognitive function, fatigue, depression, anxiety, muscle spasms, spasticity, overall pain, and issues with attention and concentration ("Red meat," 2015). I am hoping that this will allow the pain I am feeling to subside and help stop the numbness I am experiencing.
My husband (who is and will always be a red meat eater) is supporting me in this effort. He, however, could possibly die without a steak (not really, but you get the idea).
Writing has always been a love of mine. I've been experiencing writer's block while trying to write my book, and I believe that is stemming from the fact that I do not write in my blog as frequently as I used to (practice makes perfect, and that includes writing). This will be changing. I miss hearing from my readers. I miss sharing my journey (the good and the bad).
In conjunction with writing in this blog more frequently, I will be doing a monthly "Spotlight" on another blog/website that I've come across and want to introduce to my audience.
Next month, I will be introducing you to a man who was previously a "340 pound depressed couch potato [who became] a happy and healthy urban farmer" (Spoonemore, 2017). I was introduced to Dale about three years ago when he was helping my brother and his family move. At the time, I was unaware of his story, but I have been able to read about his journey and his overall drive to become healthy after learning about his website and blog through my brother. Additionally, he is one of the individuals I work with who continually impresses and inspires me with his intelligence, work ethic, and overall drive. I can assure you that Dale's Spotlight will not be one that you want to miss.
So, where do we go from here?
You know, in five years, both Chris and I have endured hit after hit, but we have also experienced blessing after blessing. I have realized that I am beginning to feel sorry for myself and sink back into a depression which has increased my anxiety.
This is not the Desiree that I want to be.
This is not the mom that I want my child to have.
This is not the wife that I want my husband to have.
Therefore, it is up to me (and only me) to change my way of thinking, to change my behavior, to change my life. Nothing worth having comes easy, and this is no different than past desires I've had. I hope that you will come with me along this journey, and during it, I hope to continue to inspire you (and myself!) as we all push ourselves further and harder to be the best we can possibly be. Remember, you have one life, and it is your responsibility to live it in the best way you can, but never forget that you aren't alone during your journey - ever.
References:
Curry, D. (2012, December 17). Seven years [Web log comment]. Retrieved from http://movingforwardwithms.blogspot.com/2012/12/seven-years.html
Red meat: Why humans get MS and other primates don't. (2015). Retrieved from https://overcomingms.org/red-meat-humans-get-ms-primates-dont/
Spoonemore, D. (2017, June 4). My journey from a 340 pound depressed couch potato to a happy and healthy urban farmer" [Web log comment]. Retrieved from http://www.seedtospoon.net/2017/06/04/journey-340-pound-depressed-couch-potato-happy-healthy-urban-farmer/
